Saturday, November 8, 2014

Meet The Priss


The atmosphere in the ExxonMobil Room was electric. The new Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell pranced in on his coal-black unicorn Republican Wave, slid off with the agility of a much younger man, and bounced up to the microphone, his cheeks pink with arousal.

"Well met, well met, well met!" he boomed archaically. "I'd like to welcome you all on this suspicious Caucasian. The American people have handed us a mandate for change. The American..."

"Sir, before you claim a mandate, would you care to comment on charges of voter suppression?"

"Please. Have you seen the turnout? Those people voted longer than anybody. Leave it to the coloreds to have nothing better to do than stand in line all day to vote! Am I right? Now. The American people have spoken, and they said it's time to get things done. The American people said they're not interested in climate change, so: Job One. We're getting rid of it. Poof!"

Cheers erupted as Mr. McConnell waved his tiny wand and a swirl of black dust settled over the room. James Inhofe, presumed new chair of the Environment and Public Works Committee, patted his fingers together in ecstasy and had to be excused when he sprained his face giggling. Republican Wave whinnied and hawked up a loogie while Lamar Smith, chair of the House Science, Space, and Technology Committee strolled in to enthusiastic applause, flanked by Adam and Eve and a triceratops.

"That's right, sir," he said.  "The American people sent us here today to solve problems, and the biggest problem we face is science. That's Job One, right, guys? Let's all give a hand to our friends here, Adam, the little woman, and this big fellow."

Adam nodded shyly and patted the triceratops on the thigh, his fig leaf beginning to flutter. "Found him in the Garden of Eden," he said, as Eve cast him a demure smile. The triceratops rumpled up his face plates in confusion and motioned for an interpreter.

"But you can't--" the reporter winced as if in pain--"you can't just wave a tiny wand and make science or global warming go away. You--"

"Just did, son," McConnell said, his hand in a complimentary bowl of Cheetos. "It's the responsible thing to do. Look. You can have all the airy-fairy theories you want, but at some point you need to grow up. We can't fix climate change and burn fossil fuels both. And the American people know what they want. We're not going to stop giving it to them until all the money is drilled out. We're the greatest nation on Earth! We'll be fine."

"But--but that's like saying Hiroshima was no big deal, because the Enola Gay had comfy seat cushions."

"Exactly." Member of the assembled new Republican majority shrugged in unison, pleased at the consensus.

"Job One number three," House Speaker John Boehner put in, dabbing away a tear, "Repealing Obamacare." He held his hand up, acknowledging the ovation. "We're going to rip Obamacare out by the curly hairs, and replace it with a good Republican plan that guarantees a marketplace of affordable insurance options, prohibits the cancellation of coverage for pre-existing conditions, and allows children to stay on their parents' insurance until age 26."

The reporter appeared to be working out a kink in his neck. "But that sounds exactly like O--"

"FreedomCare," Mr. McConnell inserted. "It's completely different, son. And we're adding a phrenology benefit and a free annual balancing of the humours."

"But--"

"And no website. Am I right? We'll have Marge and Phyllis back on the switchboard, doing what they do best for America. Make no mistake: we are here on America's business, but we are extending the crabbed hand of cooperation and hoping the President will agree to meet us halfway. Say, the sixteenth century," he concluded.

"I would like to point out at this time," whined Harry Reid from a low stool in the corner, "that the room is fast filling up with unicorn and triceratops shit. And your friend Adam over there is looking a little gassy. Can we adjourn until such time as we get this all cleaned up?"

"Cleaned up!" McConnell was tinkly with laughter. "Let me show you how it's done, my friend. We don't clean up. We'll just adjourn to the GlaxoSmithKline Room for now, head over to the Monsanto Cafeteria for lunch, pee-pee in the BP teepee, and reconvene tomorrow in the Johnson and Johnson Senate Chambers. Clean up!" The room had collapsed into hilarity, with several members off-balance from attempts to connect with a high-five.

Boehner honked merrily into a hankie. "It's not like we're going to run out of rooms," he wheezed.

34 comments:

  1. Careful, they only legalized marijuana, not anything this strong.

    Being familiar with how the Islamic world decayed into stagnation in the 11th and 12th centuries by repudiating science and letting religious extremism take over, it's very disturbing to watch this stuff happening.

    I would have made the triceratops a tyrannosaurus. If there was ever a group destined to be devoured by their own delusions, it's the global-warming denialists.

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    1. Plus, it would be so much more fun to watch them get het up about something and see the Tyrannosaurus flap his little arms around. Sadly, our poor triceratops was a draftee in this little scene.

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  2. Our only hope is that they are as incompetent as politicians usually are, and that nothing gets done. Sometimes, nothing is better than something. At least, the wrong something.

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    1. Heard that. This might just rebound in our favor.

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  3. Something will get done...something to break through any laws preventing corporations from making bigger profits. That ACA rule that insurance companies must keep a certain amount of resources to pay off for disasters will be the first to go. How can you make money when you have to structure a business so that it will provide the resources that it says it will?

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    1. Not to worry. There won't be any disasters! They're taking the funding for them out of the budget.

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  4. Yuck. Well, they've got two years to hang themselves. Hopefully.

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    1. I hope they can do it in private so we don't have to know how they're hanging.

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  5. Sigh. And our guvmint sing (out of key) from the very same song sheet.

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  6. Please, Murr, it's the "Enola Abomination-Before-the-Lord."

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  7. At this point I don't give a rat's ass about the House and Senate; they haven't governed in six years and I don't expect anything to change - there is the veto. What scares me is a Supreme Court vacancy at this time.
    the Ol'Buzzard

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    1. I think there are a few vacancies in there right now.

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  8. I'd like to pee pee on the BP teepee.

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  9. Ah, elections. Don'tcha luv 'em? Same shit, different party....

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    1. True--the parties have things in common, but one of them is not as recklessly evil.

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  10. You can make even very depressing stories funny, Murr. Although I did read that every president of either party since (something, something) has actually suffered the same loss, something about when it gets to the end of their term they do unpopular stuff because they know they only have so long in office. Obviously I didn't read it well enough to remember all the details, but it made sense at the time and was comforting. I should go try to find it again.

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    1. I also recall one heck of a lot of wilderness created in a lame duck term. This president should swing for the fences now. It's not like he's had any respect from the get-go. He might as well do what he wanted to get done by cooperation, once.

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    2. I fully agree. I wonder how good people can end up in politics, since it's pretty much guaranteed to depress a person sooner or later.

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  11. You're in top form here, my friend. BRAVO!! Submit this to Blue Nation Review and HuffPo. It deserves a wider audience. Meanwhile, I'm off to share.

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    1. Thanks! I'm unclear how one gets in the HuffPost and I've never heard of Blue Nation Review. I guess I'm off to the Googles...

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  12. Ah, Jayne has made a great suggestion. A lot of people would benefit from getting a good laugh out of the insane stuff that's going on.

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    1. I've sent things to Huffpost before but not gotten anywhere. I don't know if sending things to the standard fill-it-in-form is the right way to go. I know people who have gotten on Huffington because their friends recommended them, and they didn't even realize it until their stats shot up from, like, twenty readers to 20,000.

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  13. I haven't watched or listened to the news since Tuesday night. I can't bear to. So good for you for being able to write about this mess we are in for for the next two years. (I hope it is only for two years. That is bad enough!)

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    1. I haven't either. But this ain't as bad as W. Two. The way I see it, Elizabeth Warren can point to two years of Republican-led bullshit, in two years. I do hope it's Elizabeth...

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  14. Dirty Koch money + blatant voter suppression + gerrymandering + a supreme court with its collective head in its ass (excepting Kagan, Ginsburg, and Sotomayor) = a shitload of trouble.

    And frankly, I wish Obama would grow a vagina (cuz balls aren't working for him) and do more to protect the environment, etc. etc. etc.

    This problem is not something that 2 years and Elizabeth Warren can fix. We've got to get the money out of politics or we're screwed.

    P.S. Congrats on finding an agent!!

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  15. Can you GROW a vagina? Yeah I guess you can. Basically I think we're screwed six ways to Sunday but I have to stick my head in the hope vapors, and not read too much news, or I will have a serious drinking problem.

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  16. Nothing would delight me more than to be boycotted by such a gem as yourself. (Murr, you may remove this reply, too.)

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  17. He's a keeper, huh? Actually I wasn't planning to delete him. He hasn't been around for a while and I kind of missed him.

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  18. Great post, Murr! I laughed until I cried.

    And now I can't stop crying . . . .

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    1. If you can eke out a snort between sobs, you'll live to see another day.

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